It is not over yet

As long as my heart keeps beating in my chest my hope will not die, not my few memories of you. When I wish to move on is like I am walking through muddy waters and the water up to my chest. Limited in all my moves, fearful that I get stuck and feeling like everything is in slow motion except my pain. You cannot fall on your knees when you're in water up to your chest as you can drown, I have been there before and even if sometimes it might sounds tempting, so tempting I cannot and must no allow myself to see that path as an option. I cannot stand my ground while here, I am tiptoeing free from all the weight of the world, my movement is impaired but it gives me this fake sense of freedom. I am not free, you left me in limbo and I know in my heart that this is not over, far from it, I lose myself so easily every second when you're not here. I am drifting to deeper darker waters not sure if I am looking for you or a way to escape.

My pain comes in waves, when I think the storm has passed then a huge wave comes to knock me of my feet and in no time I lose it all, all that I have worked to hard to achive...that stillness of mind, that light in my eyes, the hope of a better day, certainty that I will make it through this all....then the wave comes and I am kissing the ground again asking to be born in a wiser world, in a warmer country next to a loving man. I don't fully understand that I am drowning in the sense that one would. I just wake up with this urge to run away, to change my house, my job, my country, my name, my face and feelings. Your sarcastic laugh lingers in my mind and I can hear your calling my name ' silly girl' that's all you ever say and then silence again. I wish I could curse your name and the moment you were born but I seem to lack the energy! I am looking at my house disgusted with every single item ' I need to leave this house, it kills me!' I mumble. The house is a reminder of who I am and not what I think I should be. Dated,my house is dated like me, full of cob webs and weeds, unkept with random stuff laying around with the curtains that were not pulled in weeks there is only darkness. The windows were not opened since a month ago...needs a gentle touch to come back to life. I wish I could somehow pull myself together and do something about it, but it feels that all I consume myself these days is regret for the things I cannot bring myself to understand.

From the solitude of my mind I can hear your voice promising return but I turn the volume down as I heard that promise for a while now. The light in my heart is still on but the fuel it runs on it's low.
My tears fall in total surrender, that is all I am left with....

Darkness grows in my heart when I lose hope, like there is no tomorrow and all the world has come to an end and I am the one that gets to feel it all! All the pain that has ever been felt on this earth is born in my chest and stops me from breathing ... all I get is the hot air of the flames the world has left behind. They all shout as loud as they can ' Let it go you stupid woman! You will kills us all!' I look at them puzzled as I don't really care if the world lives or dies! It means nothing to me! I don't look at the world and all that has to offer, I only look towards one direction waiting for a white flag that takes it time. I whisper ' I am patient' . Tears are flooding my eyes as I encourage myself ' It's not over yet!'