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Am I still me if the one I was was yesterday got lost? Am I still me if the feeling that keept me alive till now vanished in thin air?  My feet were never bare before, my dream never dared to be born. The words are just that words they can't touch unless they're meant to caress . Let me sit at your feet because I feel like not because you want me to. Let stand behind you because I like the view better.  Let me be me because I don't feel like faking anymore else anymore.  I have nothing  offer you but have everything to give to myself. 

Standing still waiting for a draft of wind to push me away. But the wind is not felt and his effects not seen. Here I am standing still. I am thinking that maybe an earth quake would wake me up. Torn between my dreams and reality I feel the greater loss of my life was you. I did not lose ! You were never mine to begin with.  I never touched your face, or kissed your lips or whisped my love and lust in your ear. You were not mine! Not in this life. You were mine before. Do you remember? I feel it every time you are near, I see it when our eyes meet. I must have been a terrible lover ! I must be punished for all the evils I done to you.  Otherwise, why would you not want me? Why would you be so distant, cold and un-mine? There are days when I doubt my sanity, today is one of them. Maybe you do not even know I exist, maybe you do not care! Maybe you are just a product of my overactive imagination ! I cannot make you see me ... and will never make you love me. I learned to a...

I found myself puzzled these days.  I was told that the only function of the heart is to pump blood to the lungs to be saturated with oxygen, and then pump it out into the body to supply the cells with oxygen. I was suspicious for a while as I heard people talking about love and somehow they used to place the heart in the middle of this strange phenomenon. Therefore, in my head the heart was also pumping blood into love. Having a congenital heart disorder I thought it's just normal to feel pain in the heart. I was told by experts that I was wrong and led to believe that I could function without a beating heart, defying all rules of creation. I was explained that my heart was a trinket, and at times I might experience pain. After solemnly swearing in oath t hat I shall keep my heart only as a decoration, I was given some Paracetamol and released on parole.  After years of good practice I found myself lacking happiness and decided to ask another expert opinion. I was diagnose...

I am catching snowflakes with my tongue. It's winter again, not the winter of my life but I can feel the cold in my soul. Have you noticed how fear creeps up when it's cold in your soul? I invited the winter in, thinking I was ready. How naïve! Who's ever ready for winter? Not me! I turned to you and I felt the door to your heart closing in my face. I felt I was losing you, like water in my palm, I was desperately trying to keep you safe in my hand. When I don't hear your voice I feel like I am losing a part of me and turn into a warrior who would do anything in her power to keep that from happening. I cannot lose you! Losing you is like losing my head! My heart was freezing and I hoped you would warm me up. It might have overreacted when I said I didn't want you anymore but we both know that was not true. I blamed you for all the pain I was carrying in my crippled heart. I needed you to save me from myself, but somehow you also needed some saving from yourself...

Here we are again! I hoped you got lost, in the nothingness of all the days that have passed since we last stood face to face, separated by silence. I can feel your breath on my neck, in my head I am begging you to let me go. I feel your shadow surrounding me, your musty scent poisons the air around me.  Like a bad sin, you never stay away for too long. You call it 'love', I call it 'curse'. You think this is a game and I enjoy your company. Maybe you're just as confused as I am and mistake my tears for rain and my scream with a lullaby.  I take a deep breath before I turn to face you, your poisons scent inundates every cell in my lungs . I curse the moment I was born and wish I could run to the end of the world and hide in a cage for the rest of my miserable life. I can see your sharp teeth shining in the candle light while you laugh in my face. Your unkind touch  makes me tremble beyond control. I am stretching my arm in the dark in a clumsy attempt to reach som...

When the air gets unbreathable, I nudge myself to move on ignoring my human conditioning . 'I am not giving up' I whisper to my unamused God then I hand  Him the ropes.I am just a marionette after all. I am dust and to dust I shall return. The day I will turn to ashes no pain that I have endured will matter, the tears I have shed will have long dried and forever forgotten No one will know to tell the story I have lived and the pain that devoured my aching lost soul. My days will seem so distant, as distant as your cold heart. I will take back my love so you will get to feel the emptiness of your soul. I will be able to forgive you for not loving me. All that I have ever cared for will no longer matter, the musty dust will cover most of the places I once used to find comfort in. My bed, messy as usual but forever empty. The book on my night stand will never be read to its end. The clothes I used to wrap myself in will no longer serve me now. Every memory I ever treasured will...

Daca am putea sa vedem lumea care ne inconjoara cu ochii mintii in loc de cei ai sufletului indoit, poate am reusi sa intelegem ca nu facem altceva decat sa ne proiectam temerile exacerbate. Te vad prin umbra din sufletul meu. Desi nu fugi de mine stiu ca nu esti aici. Sufletul tau e inca hoinar si uneori ma tem ca orice as putea sa fac nu va fii nicicand suficient. Genunchii mei zgariati pe marmura prea rece a  bisericii a carei deitate e prea ocupata sa imi auda ruga nu vor schimba nimic din ceea ce e sortit sa fie. Poate nu sunt sortita sa fiu a ta. Ma tem ca sunt doar un intermezzo intr-o piesa a carei grandoare nu am sa o inteleg cu adevarat vreodata. Imi retrag mainile care-mi poarta sufletul pe o tava de argint. Imi ascund mainile, tava si sufletul simimtindu-ma oarecum inadecvata.   Nu ma lasa sa fiu doar o oarecare, pierduta prin meantul amintirilor vagi. E obositor sa bati la usi intredeschise, nu stii daca e indicat sa intri sau sa astepti. Ca in jocul 'Un, do...

Maybe coming here was not such a good idea afterall.  Perhaps I should have thought things through.  I fell trapped under an avalanche of emotions.  Like a broken record I say to myself ' you don't belong here' voicing out all those thoughts will not stop my hands from shaking or others thinking it.  I could have conquered the word but I choose not to, call it fear, call it laziness...the end result is the same. I stopped and now I fell inappropriate.  The real question is if I am ready to feel inappropriate or if I should go back. The distant echos are coming back ' You don't belong here'.

I can see you protecting yourself from me so I raised my shield to protect myself from you. Here we are with our guards up awaiting for a war to start or a white flag to be raised but no one seems willing to raise it. I go back to all my hurts and tell myself off for being a failure and never learning.You turn to confront your demons. I am again walking in the valley of unworthyness and tears bring me to surrender. I no longer wish to be strong. Like is a constant fight and I am exhausted on having to fight for every little thing I want. I wanted you but you asked me to wait as if there was some test you expected me to fail.  Why does love has to be so complicated even before it begins???  If love is what you're looking for,  aren't you supposed to give it a chance?  Aren't you supposed to run towards it?? Am I something that has to tick all the right boxed before you decide if I am worthy to be let in?  I will save you the time and trouble.  I am n...

How can you know the depth of the darkness unless you can compare it something else?  But what can you compare darkness with?  Total black out? If you can still see the moon or the stars is still darkness? This place is so dark and there are no stars,  just rain and mist.  Can it get darker? The answer is always 'yes' but I don't prefer the reality. I like to indulge myself in a promiscuous lie and say 'no'.  After darkness always comes light, it has to!  There is no guarantee but we sometimes have to delude ourselves. There is no promise!  Here and now is all we have.  There is no guarantee that there will be a future.  I am here in my darkness and maybe this is all I will ever have. Let there be no light,  I will chance my vision and become a cat.  Let there be no future and I will happily accept my fate for what it is. I am complete,  may it be darkness or light.  May it be now, tomorrow or never. I can accept...

This sound...  Laugh This sound...  It' gonna blow your mind! I have art in my heart! Sacred geometry finally make sense!  Lives in every corner of my being and changes with every move that I make and every sound...  This sound...  I repeat again and again...  This sound...  I love the voice,  the sequence of the sacred geometry and the color of it. I laugh as I hear my voice as if it was God talking to me.  I never knew who I was until now!  I am a sound...  And not any sound...  This sound There is great power in knowing that you are the creator of your world.  Knowning that you can have what ever you wish.   Just think of it,  call it's name and it becomes real.  We are the masters of our own universe let's make it worth our time! 

I was raised to believe I was a sheep and sent to church to pray for my sins every time I burped fire.  I leaned to run with the other sheeps in my heard and leaned to love them all, we were all sheeps after all  or so I belived. I always knew not to cross the line and be quiet, I was trained for all that but even so deep inside it all fell wrong.  I was having to walk the earth when all I deemed of was to fly and dance with the clouds.  I was forced to look up to everyone when I felt I should admire them from above.  So many times I was punished when I raised my eyes to watch the beautiful blue sky where all my dreams belonged.  My clouds were my soft coushins and they made me bend my knees and kneal on the concrete. It took me a life time to have the courage to look in the mirror to find out who I truly am.  You cannot hide your true nature!  It's like a sin that will always haunt you until you surrender and accept it.  I was looking in ...

Whomever invented this brand was a true marketing  God.  I mean isn't this the supreme bling?and yes...  I said bling as in bling bling.  It's all meant to make you stupid and look for love outside the self...  Let's put our faith in a random stranger to come and fill our life with joy!   Because we are incomplete without it!  We all need love!!!  And we are taught that love has has to come from someone else!  Someone important!  Someone emotionally unavailable preferably...  They will offcourse be smitten by our presence and immediately chance!  It's all so simple really!  All he has to do is come and save me!!!  I need saving!  ( most likely from myself as I can be an utter bitch)  Guess what?  I don't care about your brand!  Not looking for love...  Or loved one...  Not even two! ( as tempting as it sounds!)   I refuse!  It' all an  manipulation!  We a...

Everyday over my Facebook there has to be at least one post about twin flames and if you haven't heard about twin flames I am seriously worried about you! The internet is buzzing for the last 5 years with this concept. The idea is that you meet a person ( usually a guy) and everything works great up to a point when he turns around and leaves you! The whole idea is that he's not an asshole and you were not blind! Nope! He's your twin flame! So that gets you in a waiting position! You're supposed to live your life with a broken heart and hope that the jerk comes back! Sorry I meant to say twin flame! I always had an issue with this concept and will explain why! 1. You will have an excuse for every jerk that leaves your life like a coward! You will think ' what if he's my twin flame and he really needs some time alone?' . I mean... Seriously?! If he was needing some time alone he would not have been dating you in the first place!? But he dated you! So that ...

When you get one of those letters: 'It seems like it was yesterday when I first saw you,  I was mesmerized by your eyes and as you well know your beautiful body.  It was like God has made so many attempts to make the perfect woman and he finally succeed when He made you.  I am guessing I didn't had the same effect on you,  quite the opposite as you ripped my bussines card and sarcastically said ' I will call you'. I remember you walking away and calling me names,  I could hear you! I made the impossible possible and after a long year I had my first chance to talk to you.  It was magical!  I will remember that evening,  the dress and the perfume you were wearing.  You gave me a chance...  Gave us a chance!  The years that followed were the greatest years of my life! The long nights, sun set and rises.  Steamy conversations about politics,  life and death, fundamental principles,  economics, astronomy and so on....

I was back at home with my mother and my sister.  We were laughing and talking about silly stuff.  My house was all made out of wood and the rooms were tall.  Suddenly everyone disappeared being busy with life and I was resting on my bed.  I felt this warmth in my chest,  I am quite familiar with feeling warmth in my chest but this was somehow different.  I went for a bath and while I was in the bath I somehow knew I was going do die. I went for what it seemed a nap and woke up on a dark street.  Walking around I could see a group of young men so ran towards them but they were unable to see me,  I tapped one of them on the shoulder but he wasn't able to see me.  I knew I was no longer alive but this was not how I pictured the afterlife to be.  Another group of young men showed up,  they were playing basketball.  They looked at me and smiled.  'Can you see me?! ' I asked ' Yes, ' said one of them.  'So I am not....?...

Well, I managed to get some sleep after an hour only to continue my weird dreams!  I was with a friend,   surrounded by his lovely family ( including his mum that passed away)  and they lived in this....  Parking lot ( a huge one like an airport one) !  Lol I went to have a shower in the northern part of the car park and when I came out of the shower looking for my friend. His mum showed me where he was,  I the southern part so I followed my friend when suddenly I saw a gigantic airplane crushing where he was.  My friend was OK he was in mY bed under my duvet and asked me to spoon him and we both fell asleep. When I 'woke up' I was next to my car and noticed that the road was paved around my car. Then A detective came to take my car as I was suspected of killing a guy..  So I was taken to the crime scene and shown this decapitated. His body looked so weird! Somehow the decapitated guy was telling me that he thought the men who run him over...

Lately I keep having random police encounters,  nothing major but I never dealt with them before so it was a of a scary for me when in Spain they stopped our car and almost fined us ( luckily I am charming!) A few days later was held by the police as I had no ID until my friend came to the rescue with my passport ( and this was before the attack in Barcelona).  Then I returned home only to whiteness police in action in front of my house,  then at the train station a guy sat next to me and the police came to 'pick' him up.... Now back to my dream...  I was having a normal dream having dinner as you would in a dream...  In a flat first then on a hill,  then on a bridge...  With a few people and two of them were policemen...  All of the sudden we're in my bedroom,  on my bed chatting ( not what you think!)  And a friend noticed noises outside my window... Two of my friends get near the window and so am I and we can see some weird cars turn...

I was born to fly like a bird, roar like a lioness, love like sinner. Made to be wild and free. I lost myself for a second but when you are as wild as I am and suddenly become captive in a silly trap it hurts a little, all you seem to be able to do is lick your wounds and bruised ego. For a while I thought that this is the way love is supposed to be and let myself cry. I looked outside my cage and the sky was still blue and the birds were still singing and it made me feel like I was missing something amazing...I was missing me! I had the choice of becoming your slave forever and dream of what we might have had and cry as you show so little respect but then again that's your cross to carry not mine! Karma is a bitch and I let her do her job! I have mine to do! I stood up shaking and shivering uncontrollably realizing just how sick my body and soul were. As I got up, holing onto my cage bars I made the sacred vow of never ever allowing anyone to get me i...

As long as my heart keeps beating in my chest my hope will not die, not my few memories of you. When I wish to move on is like I am walking through muddy waters and the water up to my chest. Limited in all my moves, fearful that I get stuck and feeling like everything is in slow motion except my pain. You cannot fall on your knees when you're in water up to your chest as you can drown, I have been there before and even if sometimes it might sounds tempting, so tempting I cannot and must no allow myself to see that path as an option. I cannot stand my ground while here, I am tiptoeing free from all the weight of the world, my movement is impaired but it gives me this fake sense of freedom. I am not free, you left me in limbo and I know in my heart that this is not over, far from it, I lose myself so easily every second when you're not here. I am drifting to deeper darker waters not sure if I am looking for you or a way to escape. My pain comes in wa...